The special friend I've never met but always like to
talk to is now fading. I've stopped feeling excited about our conversations. I
even feel awkward and less of myself talking to him. When the sense of humor
disappears, I know something's wrong. I hate to see the reality of his
not because of its core, but the fact that I don't know anything about him. The entire thing is about guessing and based entirely upon improvising.
Sometimes I wonder what I have done to make him uncomfortable talking about his
life with me. Every time I try to get closer, I screw up. Is it because of my
age and that I haven't been through many stages of life? This distance is
making me feel like a forgotten puppy. I don't like being lied to, who does?
But I don't mind him telling it, either. I understand even though I don't
know what I actually understand.
I want to talk to him more than to see him. I'm afraid
if we meet, we'll become normal friends. All I ever want is one breezy night on the roof, two drinks and a sincere conversation. But all the things used to be simple have
turned complicated. And distant. How can I ever talk normally again when I have
to ask myself if it is true or not, whether he's doing
it for fun? This disappointment isn't like losing. It's me having something
that I shouldn't have.
Yes, I'm still thankful for his appearance. He turned
up right in time to change me and give me more motivation, a reason to get back
to my trait. I'm thankful because he spent time and I remember how he
made me feel. But if we were near
each other right now, I hope he wouldn't tap on my back and say hi. I don't
know what to say. I don't know who is standing in front of me. All I can see is
the vision he's created.
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