13.

I've always had a hunch of having the day 13 as the first day I met the special one. My intuition is so precise sometimes that I must ask myself whether there is a before life and I happen to remember a bit of it or not? In this life, it wasn't a date but the very first talk with a stranger, which was distinguished clearly by the similarities and differences we had. The stranger and I have been seeing each other for a month, from 13th December to 13th January. We have been through 3 fights and the most recent one was the biggest yet shortest-to-be-solved. I don't think it's bad that we have created some storms in one month because this is the first relationship that really makes me want to learn to listen and understand the other's differences while swallowing my ego. I wonder if he will do the same for me. In one month, I have had all the feelings I had in my last relationship plus so much more. The kind of feelings that questions me whether I am falling in love or I've had too much tea. I don't think this is love yet but I hope it will be. "If you fall in love with the wrong this much, imagine what it would be when you're with the right one." Can you imagine that? I'm blind already when I take this rollercoaster ride. But I'm sure that day will be beautiful. This thing that we are having, it's meaningful in its own fragility. Its ups and downs show me something absolutely different from other 1-month relationships. I see two people working on the issues together. I see my weaknesses crystal-clear while getting inspired suddenly by only thinking of our last night conversation or the touch or the gaze we had. The point is, not many people can strip down the cover I built for myself. So when it happens, it happens with all the fears and discomfort I possibly imagine.

Sometimes when we stay silent or rest after it, I feel strange. Perhaps I'm demanding? I want more of the petting, pampering and story-telling. I need to listen to his words, anything at all, so I can start telling mine. That's the key to my talking. I need to listen first no matter what the story will be. I want more of the actions. The risks. Look it's the risks that bond us all. The little and genuine surprises. The suggestions. The randomness.

I tend to lose sleep when I'm with someone. I'll stay up late to talk or be with them. This time, I don't have doubts if tomorrow I will feel the same way I feel at night. I know for sure he will care what happens during my day as much as how I feel when the sun goes down.

I remember in our first date, after watching Moulin Rouge, I smelled his shirt and I thought "Is it the smell I will be used to from now on?" He was almost exactly what I pictured the perfect man to date. Almost because his clothes were the opposite. And that perfect figure didn't have beard. But bless the beard and it usefulness. I think I'm seeing a poet and a coffee man that is like me in terms of fears and passion. We are emotionally intelligent, have good sense of humour and somehow are perverts. He, with all of who he is, has been able to crack me talking and sharing my privacy. But not that I am giving my full trust. I'm confused and I need a little push.

I hope for him having my back and vice versa. I hope for more of sympathy and stepping backwards for each other. I long for the protection. I wonder how many things we will be able to share unconditionally. I hope we will find the strength to take risks and just do it. In the end, we will know if it's love, if it's love.