SUMMER IS COMING AND I'M AFRAID.

I'm looking out of the window and I'm thinking "Holysh*t, summer is coming." That 40-degree feeling is approaching, promising a season of sweat and patchy tan. What an unfriendly season for layering and makeup. Last night, I burned my index finger a little by putting the pot lid up while it was still boiling. The thing is, I love my pale skin and I don't want to change it into a darker tone. Tan doesn't match anything of mine. And what am I doing? I'm bumbling about such little things.

Anyway. I always make sure I feel happy, positive and ready for life. I seek for opportunities and randomness with the same attitude, unchanged confidence. But I'll be honest with you this time, journal, I'm scared. I'm scared of the fact that I still don't know what will happen in July. I either will catch a flight to study abroad or just for another vacation. Please, let me have what I want. I know I deserve this, I did my best. It's not about I have 70 more years to live. The chance right now is different from the same chance in the next decade. Timing is everything. I don't want another week off walking in the sand, watching people having fun at the beach. I feel so lonely being surrounded by them. I want to be all by myself in a new land with new people, learn how to make clothes, make good clothes and establish myself. There is no reason for me to be here anymore. If nothing happens in July, what will I do with my life? I don't like the way people work here. I don't make agreement with that circumstance so one day I'll turn into one of them. I refuse it.