MANY GOOD THINGS.

Superstitious beliefs, bad smells, uncontrollable sugar feeding, numb senses, impatience, confusion. That's what I got from overthinking without letting any of it out. These days, I've learned how much stress could affect my body. Some parts of my muscles ached each at a time. It took me around five minutes to slow down my heart beat, and five more to breathe normally again. I grinded. My teeth made love to each other in a hardcore way.

The reason I've been thinking hard recently is the same as in many posts before. I'm worried for my future. I was never born a person of peace, nor was I raised to be. Some people work hard all their life so one day they come to wish for the opposite of what they were chasing, I know. But my fight isn't so. I fight for the future that I want to create. I fight because I'm young, and it's crucial for a young adult to thrive for something higher so he or she will make a progress. In this fight, I struggle and sacrifice to get myself up. Every stumble hurts. Every lesson learned feels good.

Some people truly only want, what I call, a farmer's life. To grow what they need and to live with what they earn. I wonder how they think. I guess there are points in our life where our thinking actually matches. And there are also many points where we would explode towards each other's difference. I have wanted to give it all up. A suitcase was carefully packed once in my bedroom. But I'd never made the decision to leave.

It's easier to avoid, and I'm the alpha type, I face stuffs.

It's silly, isn't it? It will take this fight and many more until I finally realize my ambition is just one of all the things out there. Life is simple. Not many things we love matter in the end. People will remember us for the smallest things we ever did. Our children will be our legacy. Our work will make a history if it's truly good. And we, we will die. In pain, glory, silence and vain. In happiness and among the tears of those who love us. If someone asks me what I can't live without, I'll say love.

I hope when I read this again someday,  I will be able to make sense out of these words. Even answer all of my wonder written here. Right now, I'm thinking of how young I was a year ago. Time, it waits for no one. Tomorrow I can wake up being 25 and the next day I'll be 30. It's so fast. And I have many good things to offer for this life.

CLEAN.

I'd been so uptight for the last several days. It's been difficult for me to write about anything. I lost control of myself in a way that turned me into an uncertain and vulnerable person, which is not the kind of representation I'd like to be. I was lost of words. I started to say the wrong things, repeated them times to times, and it made me foolish not only verbally.

I thought I knew what I wanted. As my world broadened and my senses came to life more vividly through new conversations and the old ones, I realized "I want something else." Basically, it's exactly what it is. But different.

Sometimes, I wonder if I could pack things up and take a flight without any clues or plans. Just go and leave everything behind. Be whoever I want to be, start my life over again.

Today, I woke up clean. I thought I was drowning that Saturday night. This morning, I breathed again. I could feel I was gaining myself back. Thirty days of a month, twenty nine days being good, only one day being shit. It's difficult to go through and realize how naturally, forgivably stupid I was on that day. And it's completely understandable.

I guess that's how things should be.

THE TWO OH FOUR POST.

2:04 a.m

I can't stop thinking. I'm always thinking of something or many things at the same time. By the time I can express one of the thoughts, I'm already behind the flow of it.
Sometimes it's good. Sometimes thinking too hard is noxious. It's a blessing. What a damn thing.

A few times I found myself walking alone around 2, 3 a.m not knowing exactly what I was doing. I was only thinking. I wonder how other people do it. How do they walk? What's their speed? How fast is their thinking pace?

My eyes really want to rest. I've tried to shut them since 11 p.m and look at what I'm doing now. Eyes wide open with a toxic phone screen on. I keep thinking about things. My work, my future, how I want to do it, how good I want myself to be at doing it. Then I get lost in my thoughts with my past, my beloved dog, the old habits of mine, the worries I used to have, the questions I used to ask but now I've found the answers to. They always give me more concern. They also deliver peace.

For our mind is our best ally.

2.14 a.m

SOMETHING ABOUT US.

It might not be the right time.
I might not be the right one.
But there's something about us I want to say.
Cos there's something between us anyway.

I might not be the right one.
It might not be the right time.
But there's something about us I've got to do.
Some kind of secret I will share with you.

Can you and I be friends? Can you and I ever talk again? That possibility would hurt my memories, my present self, and the one I care about. It's never been finished the right way, has it? It's not even a question that needs an answer to. I can sense I'm being missed sometimes. From whom, I don't know. I guess it's you.

You won't be able to recognize the same person you used to know. And I will find myself thinking of you sometimes while listening to some songs I'm not quite fond of.

You might not be the right one.
It might not be the right time.
But I will remember you
like how you remember me.

THE LAMEST POST YOU EVER READ.

I brought Hedi to my father's arms today. At least, they could be alone together. I wish my father could connect to me the way he did with the animals. First day of October and I've already felt the loneliness brought by the month of Libra. I was born on 29th of September, which made me close to Virgo. My moon sign is Sagittarius, which helped enhance my sentiment to its best, or worst. My love sign is Scorpion. Fun, triple the trouble. Do I believe in horoscope? I like to believe in things that don't cost me anything.

But,

I've set up myself to always be grateful and positive. My motto is: when life hits hard, hit it back harder. My other motto is: make more money. My secret in making money: have fun.

Those are the greatest lies you will hear from me. Those are also the truths.

I miss my bed so much. Why the hell did I go out? Refund my decision. Give me back my time. I could have finished Jupiter Ascending. I'm feeling myself being so lame. I feel like I'll wake up in the embarrassment of knowing other people have read how lame I was online. And there's a share button. And I'll have to force myself to go with the nonsense guilt till the end of Sunday. You know I don't blog for publicity. I do it for the pure purpose of writing. To just write.

I want to go home.

Ok if you follow my blog, I'm sorry that sometimes you have to read this shit. It's a mess. It doesn't even make sense. I mean everything has some meanings, sure. But this shit is not inspiring at all. It's.. a despair. A short sad story that took me my last three cigarettes to write down. And the plot is what? Jamie and her wrong decision of going out tonight. I bet it's as usual as brushing teeth too hard.

Is it usual?

The thing is, it's no use complaining the usual-ty. It's no use complaining at all. Actually, I think I just make some sense out of this mess: I'm complaining. Congratulations, this night is getting brighter than the black hole just happened a minute ago. And that light has gone out. Shit, my mood changes like the quickest thing I've ever seen, and what the hell is that thing?

What the hell is hell?

In moments like this, I can either be a philosopher or a donkey. Do philosophers make money by trying to make sense out of everything? I wouldn't get too deep in this, I'm already deeply dipped in my own shit. Word is the core of creating. It's the core of everything, learning, making money, speaking, listening,..

I'm in my Uber now. Shit, it's actually quite nice of a car. I thought it was the grey Mercedes but this one is not bad at all. Impressed.

Updated: he drove fast and turned suddenly, I'm a little car-sicked right now. Damn it, I look so good. I can marry myself and live happily ever after with servants being the cast of Game of Thrones.