MANY GOOD THINGS.

Superstitious beliefs, bad smells, uncontrollable sugar feeding, numb senses, impatience, confusion. That's what I got from overthinking without letting any of it out. These days, I've learned how much stress could affect my body. Some parts of my muscles ached each at a time. It took me around five minutes to slow down my heart beat, and five more to breathe normally again. I grinded. My teeth made love to each other in a hardcore way.

The reason I've been thinking hard recently is the same as in many posts before. I'm worried for my future. I was never born a person of peace, nor was I raised to be. Some people work hard all their life so one day they come to wish for the opposite of what they were chasing, I know. But my fight isn't so. I fight for the future that I want to create. I fight because I'm young, and it's crucial for a young adult to thrive for something higher so he or she will make a progress. In this fight, I struggle and sacrifice to get myself up. Every stumble hurts. Every lesson learned feels good.

Some people truly only want, what I call, a farmer's life. To grow what they need and to live with what they earn. I wonder how they think. I guess there are points in our life where our thinking actually matches. And there are also many points where we would explode towards each other's difference. I have wanted to give it all up. A suitcase was carefully packed once in my bedroom. But I'd never made the decision to leave.

It's easier to avoid, and I'm the alpha type, I face stuffs.

It's silly, isn't it? It will take this fight and many more until I finally realize my ambition is just one of all the things out there. Life is simple. Not many things we love matter in the end. People will remember us for the smallest things we ever did. Our children will be our legacy. Our work will make a history if it's truly good. And we, we will die. In pain, glory, silence and vain. In happiness and among the tears of those who love us. If someone asks me what I can't live without, I'll say love.

I hope when I read this again someday,  I will be able to make sense out of these words. Even answer all of my wonder written here. Right now, I'm thinking of how young I was a year ago. Time, it waits for no one. Tomorrow I can wake up being 25 and the next day I'll be 30. It's so fast. And I have many good things to offer for this life.

KEEP IT PRIOR.

This morning represented well laziness. As I fully embraced the dusty pink cotton blanket and 'sandwiched' the big silky pillow between my legs, I thought of the scenario where I was making my very first pieces in a quiet, humble apartment downtown. These days I've been thinking a lot about my education, whether I should stay and continue my study at an expensive, fashion design-exclusive college, or study abroad at a worthy school. The risk is high for both. The advantages I'm having here and now will likely disappear if I move. But an average school and a not-so-highly-competitive environment can't fulfill my personality or improve my skills in any levels. I will fall asleep as soon as the first semester starts. 

After finishing that line, I ask myself why I'm still wondering if I've already known that I don't want to stay. ... Because I'm afraid. Like everybody else, even the ones who keep calling me brave and strong, I have my own fears and midnight is when my overthinking occurs. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to leave what I've built behind me and start a new life, new network and new habits. I can't imagine myself working part-time for money, struggle for it by the end of the month or having to have humble meals. Is this worth it? A couple of months ago I was so certain I would leave. What has happened to me? Is it what it feels like being insecure about our future? I always tell myself to be absolutely sure even when I'm not. Because if I don't say it, no one will knows.

I keep too much inside without sharing. Sometimes when it bursts, I collapse. Very few ones are willing to suffer from it with me. Very few ones find it easy to accept who I am when I'm weak. What I need now is encouragement so I'll have enough strength and focus to complete what I've started and get ready to go. By now, it's the only thing can keep me in sanity.