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Monday, March 13, 2017

GRAPHIC DESIGN LIFE.




I would say that everything happens between 8 and 5 is about work. I sit at my desk and I design. It’s me and my laptop, my notebook, my tea. So it’s me, me, me. I’m such a control freak that I would sit down and try to come up with the perfect layout for texts and images. But the overall process is a painful realization. For a long time, it’s only about staring at the screen and trusting for some kind of crazy moment to happen.

Simplicity is the key of graphic design. It’s my kind of perfection, the idea of starting out with a thousand different thoughts, then one by one throwing them all out, until I have one or two or three that are eventually essential to making sense of the whole image. Simplicity is the act of getting rid of everything that is not essential to making a point.

I have worked as a graphic designer for three years. The thing is I have never thought of it as a job. When you have done it for two or three years, all of the sudden it becomes the whole point of your living. It’s not. It’s living a smaller, extremely exciting life in a much bigger one. And living so is never easy.

I constantly feel the need to be in control and have a clear sense of what is working and what is not. On the other hand, I understand that being free-spirited is necessary. It’s crucial for me to develop those two personas separately. Be a much more ruthless editor and a much more careless graphic designer. It’s so fun and physically tiring. When my stress takes a toll on the work, I know I have to do something. People would say: “Relax. Take it easy.” But I can't. In graphic design, you take what’s blocking you, break them into little elements and rearrange them to make a statement.

Only after that will I loosen up. When I do, I start living my life out of the studio. There is a decoration shop owned by a writer that I like. He sells stuffs that make absolutely no sense whatsoever economically. It’s a totally different mindset. On the contrary, the bar of his, which is a few steps away from the shop, relates to me deeply. It’s where I always feel like “This is the place I want to sit and chill out.” There is this emotional exchange when people chat and suddenly silence happens. For couple of times, I’ve tried to work there because that’s how I see myself, the graphic designer being in touch with the selectiveness of the city.

It doesn’t work at all.

The impact on the work is zero. It’s even distracting. I can’t focus when I sit there. That’s when I realize my work and my life, they just don’t mix.

Basically, work is where the pressure begins then fades away. That’s the kind of tension I love though sometimes the effort in delivering the best work is out of desperation. Work is my second life. It’s about showing up, getting started and knowing something amazing will happen or nothing at all. What matters is you enable yourself a chance for something to happen. For that, you sit at your desk, sketch, move the mouse and make decisions while hoping for the best.

When I reach to the point of total worn-out, I imagine meeting the 2014 version of me and how things would happen. Perhaps I’ve lost the spark of the industry’s fresh face. However, I’m confident that I’d kick my 2014 butt. I believe you have to change directions while things are good. I’m in the beginning of my twenties and extremely ambitious. It feels fulfilled, but exhausted. Hanoi is the best place to work, just not a good one to refill your creative tank.

There's this saying in House of Cards: “Always march forward.” It’s true. The best work is never created by a spark of a moment but instilled by thousands of hard-working hours, multiple failures and even a friction of self-disbelief. In order to produce the purest kind of work, everyone must keep trying. In graphic design, my goal is to speak visuals and convey different ideas through the language. For that, I battle to refine the act of speaking and constantly produce. There will never be a work that is done because it’s the opposite of what I’m trying to achieve.
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Sunday, November 13, 2016

NOT A NICE POST.

Nothing can make me believe in love again. Whenever it feels right, it takes away a part of me and never returns. What's the point of love if everything you ever believe shatters in the end? Many times I tell myself to respect the memories. But there are also that same amount of times when all I want is to kill the other person in violence and long pain. They took away parts of me that I can't never replace.

Those who succeed in finding love have a strong belief in good timing. I don't. Anytime is a good time. Any small reason is a good reason to leave if the person is not right. It's so difficult for me to find someone who is right. I truly feel like I belong to the 1% of the world who can only befriend with their alter ego. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm deeply disappointed in the effort that was put into my past relationships. An entire failure with an expensive cost of fixing.

Usually, I would just let it go. But sometimes, I have to punch someone in the face hard to death.

It's too risky, painful and horrifying to let someone new in, knowing he will sabotage my life again. I have seen movies in protecting and fighting for love. I've never seen one spent entirely about finding it. No one would want to write a script of finding the end of infinity. No one would be able to describe what it feels like to have to imagine that you're in love so it will soothe your day a bit at night.

I just want to say once and for all that I'm so very done with the coward concept of letting it be in a relationship. I want to be with someone whom I can express my love for him freely and undoubtedly. I guess this is the night when I don't want to be polite and nice, I want to say to those who walked in my life before and left: fuck you, sincerely. Because by the time your life is fucked again, I'll be thriving in my career and finally be with someone who loves me and who I love so very much. Your secret expectation in finding a person to love you is pathetic and sick. In the end, you'll only have yourself and that tiny ego hanging between your legs that gets tinier and tinier thanks to your generosity in life.

So yeah, fuck you. I'm free.

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Saturday, October 22, 2016

MANY GOOD THINGS.

Superstitious beliefs, bad smells, uncontrollable sugar feeding, numb senses, impatience, confusion. That's what I got from overthinking without letting any of it out. These days, I've learned how much stress could affect my body. Some parts of my muscles ached each at a time. It took me around five minutes to slow down my heart beat, and five more to breathe normally again. I grinded. My teeth made love to each other in a hardcore way.
The reason I've been thinking hard recently is the same as in many posts before. I'm worried for my future. I was never born a person of peace, nor was I raised to be. Some people work hard all their life so one day they come to wish for the opposite of what they were chasing, I know. But my fight isn't so. I fight for the future that I want to create. I fight because I'm young, and it's crucial for a young adult to thrive for something higher so he or she will make a progress. In this fight, I struggle and sacrifice to get myself up. Every stumble hurts. Every lesson learned feels good.
Some people truly only want, what I call, a farmer's life. To grow what they need and to live with what they earn. I wonder how they think. I guess there are points in our life where our thinking actually matches. And there are also many points where we would explode towards each other's difference. I have wanted to give it all up. A suitcase was carefully packed once in my bedroom. But I'd never made the decision to leave.
It's easier to avoid, and I'm the alpha type, I face stuffs.
It's silly, isn't it? It will take this fight and many more until I finally realize my ambition is just one of all the things out there. Life is simple. Not many things we love matter in the end. People will remember us for the smallest things we ever did. Our children will be our legacy. Our work will make a history if it's truly good. And we, we will die. In pain, glory, silence and vain. In happiness and among the tears of those who love us. If someone asks me what I can't live without, I'll say love.
I hope when I read this again someday,  I will be able to make sense out of these words. Even answer all of my wonder written here. Right now, I'm thinking of how young I was a year ago. Time, it waits for no one. Tomorrow I can wake up being 25 and the next day I'll be 30. It's so fast. And I have many good things to offer for this life.
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