LA LA LAND.

I love everything that happened in La La Land. I understand why it ended the way it did. When you have an ambition carried from the beginning of your early vision, you don't question anyone's choice to step aside from it for you to go on. You respect the decision. Because that's true love. Only the one that cares will argue with you about your dream and the way you want to achieve it. It's that same one person who will fight when you give up and be happy when your dream finally comes true. There's no such love that grounds two people to a less desired life. It's only love when it lifts people up.

This movie is different from other romances because it's the instilled version of all sophisticated love, executed with excellent cinematography and memorable music. La La Land is true because I see myself in Mia and I have been with a Sebastian to know how hard it is to maintain a relationship between two ambitious individuals. Though it's been years, I know at heart I've had a very true partnership.

The kind of relationship of Mia and Sebastian leaves no regret to me. Do I think they had a chance to make it together? Yes. But the success wouldn't have been so great. That's the biggest point. I'll never want a piece of a dream. I want all of it and no other ways around.

As I left the theater, I thought "That was a very healthy relationship, wasn't it?" Will a movie made of a been-there-done-that story win an Oscar or two? I don't see why not. It's not the best movie I've seen but it's the one that sells the most.

NOT A NICE POST.

Nothing can make me believe in love again. Whenever it feels right, it takes away a part of me and never returns. What's the point of love if everything you ever believe shatters in the end? Many times I tell myself to respect the memories. But there are also that same amount of times when all I want is to kill the other person in violence and long pain. They took away parts of me that I can't never replace.

Those who succeed in finding love have a strong belief in good timing. I don't. Anytime is a good time. Any small reason is a good reason to leave if the person is not right. It's so difficult for me to find someone who is right. I truly feel like I belong to the 1% of the world who can only befriend with their alter ego. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm deeply disappointed in the effort that was put into my past relationships. An entire failure with an expensive cost of fixing.

Usually, I would just let it go. But sometimes, I have to punch someone in the face hard to death.

It's too risky, painful and horrifying to let someone new in, knowing he will sabotage my life again. I have seen movies in protecting and fighting for love. I've never seen one spent entirely about finding it. No one would want to write a script of finding the end of infinity. No one would be able to describe what it feels like to have to imagine that you're in love so it will soothe your day a bit at night.

I just want to say once and for all that I'm so very done with the coward concept of letting it be in a relationship. I want to be with someone whom I can express my love for him freely and undoubtedly. I guess this is the night when I don't want to be polite and nice, I want to say to those who walked in my life before and left: fuck you, sincerely. Because by the time your life is fucked again, I'll be thriving in my career and finally be with someone who loves me and who I love so very much. Your secret expectation in finding a person to love you is pathetic and sick. In the end, you'll only have yourself and that tiny ego hanging between your legs that gets tinier and tinier thanks to your generosity in life.

So yeah, fuck you. I'm free.

THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

At the end of the day, I find myself to be the happiest, luckiest person on earth thanks to my dear friends. You guys have no idea how much you matter to me.

So much.

Tonight, after 12 and two non-alcohol drinks, I see myself one year older.

To people who came to my life as ex boyfriends, thank you. I don't mean it in hatred and I never will. I don't hold grudge as it makes me smaller than who I am. You guys let me study myself in the most truthful way possible. I now understand the situation clearly. Everything bad that ever happened, I choose to ignore it. I thank you all for setting me free.

To my parents, you know it's been a long struggle in both career and education. I hope you're proud of me. I've worked hard and I'm trying every day to work harder than the day before. It's a tough life. It's more bitter than I thought. But you were right, I need to grow up from within. I love you. Everything I do, you know you have a big part of it.

To my colleagues, oh my god I love you all. I'm proud and happy to be in WEteam. There's no amount of thank-you that is enough. Just, thank you, and buy me cake.

Isn't it strange that on the day supposingly to be mine, I want to spend thanks on as many people as I can? It's because I'm happy. I'm so happy I may give a bath to Hedi tomorrow. My dude suggested me to take a day off and have rice with seafood. What a man, he gets me. I'll go to work as usual, collect everything, and go home, treat myself like a princess.

Now, I'll sleep the early morning away.

THE CONTEXT OF WHAT.

I don't understand. I don't think I understand the context of love. In fact, I'm sure I've never been in love.

A lot of my relationships were based on total affection. Someone liked the idea of one another's and suddenly we found each other bonded in a relationship. I've never said the three words to anyone. It's easy to speak when the love is real. It's dead mute when it doesn't exist.

However, I'm sure that there were days I loved them as there were also days I chose to love myself more. After a long time of expecting my ideal love to happen, I decided I was done with it. I shortened the time that should have been spent on getting to know the person, demanded straightaway what I wanted, and expressed severe reactions when they couldn't live up to my requests. What I was left with, is now.

Now, I doubt people. It seems difficult to trust the smallest gesture. I find interest in lust, flirting and conversations at night. Lust is lust. It's a one-time thing even if it hits twice. Flirting sounds so not delight, yet the core of the act is it. Conversation is the most important thing. It connects two minds. If I'm not careful, I'll find myself falling slowly.. fast. It'll be impossible to stay sane. That's when I seek for a dark corner and a familiar drink to murder the butterflies in my stomach and erase the feelings that I feel. I can't allow myself to be in love. That destructive thing brings joy to people's life so just one day, it takes away everything they've ever had. The getting-back-to-track life is torture.

I have feelings for someone that's supposed to be an one-time thing. And I also have a dear feeling towards someone I hope to befriend with. Clearly I put myself in troubles in a blink of an eye. I need to speak straight to the first person all at once so I can set myself free. And, I don't know, should I befriend with the second person or not? In my teenage years, boys were problems of hair pulling and unwanted back stickers. In my twenties, guys are butterflies in my stomach and virus to my brain.

Whatever happens, I should thank them for the inspirations to write. For the midnight snacks, warm Earl Grey, and arms when needed.

In my mind, my prince wears suits, or at least a white shirt, has a proper helmet, and reads more than I do. He must be a big fan of animals, and never hesitates to take up a new sport. He cooks and wakes up earlier than me. He likes Wes Anderson and watches Quentin Tarantino. But puts Breakfast at Tiffany's first because I've never watched it and I should. He listens to me and understands my ideas without speaking a word. I must feel truly myself when I'm with him. In short, my prince dresses properly and knows his priorities. I believe what I've stated sounds very funny. Truth to be told, I've always had that idea of him since I was nine or ten.

I saw a man in a suit and a pair of oxfords today driving a Ducati. Needless to say, I was sold. Maybe we'll bump into each other soon. Maybe not. For now, all I can do is staying single firmly and confidently because I'm the best when I'm with myself. I shall let the future be decided in the hands of God.

A CAKE AND TWO FOLKS

What I think I could do collapsed quickly. Only after that did I realize the easiest thing was the hardest. Life is full of shades of grey, but being in the grey zone frustrates me. 

I lost my belief in the kind of love between a man and a woman somewhere on the way. Like saying goodbye to my beloved dog, I knew I wouldn't be able to call another one buddy anytime soon. Time can heal wounds but it doesn't wash off the feelings. I'm afraid to be left behind. Fixing can't help. It has to be this way for an amount of time before things get better.

I will only be ok when I find my belief again. Otherwise, I'll be wandering and having the kind of fun that has an expiration date. 

Happiness must be created. I don't see it bloom on a tree. 

TALKING ABOUT LOVE AND THE CASUAL THING

I can never forget any guy that stepped into my life. Whether he was a lover or a friend, all of them came and left me with trembling feelings. Having friends with the same gender doesn't give me this attraction. Once you know his name and his work, you start to be more and more curious about his life. What turned him into the person he is today? Why is he so patient when you're so insecure and annoying? You wonder.

My first boyfriend was the same age as mine. He always wore a sweater with a shirt in fall, sometimes suited up and never forgot to put on his black leather watch. When we met, I'd take off the watch and tell him to get it fixed because the strap had worn out. Times after times. He'd say: "Can you fix it for me?" And I'd say: "Sure. I'll press these tips with this folk until they stick again." I'd really do it and he'd watch while reminding me to eat something on the table. The funny thing is I always ate more than he did and he always ended up finishing the salad. Ugh, the salad!

He inspired me. He made me believe in myself and realize how easily happiness could be achieved. I needed to do nothing but be with him. Even if I wasn't, I knew I was awesome. Then we reached to the point where everything busted in the air with dust and flame. We were so opened that we didn't feel bad exploding in front of each other. Anger, disappointment, exhaust, even boredom. Chasing our dreams became prior. The last thing that marked the end was the silence. We never said a proper goodbye. In fact, I've never set things straight as a goodbye to anyone. All happened in silence.

The first week was fine. I buried my head into work. I made up more work to do and I went out with wrong people, those I'd never have a drink with. Being a stranger to myself only worsened the situation. After 2 weeks, there came an unendurable missing feeling, depression and flashbacks. Music. Movies. Projects. None of those was enough because it was never about measuring up to a specific point. It was over and I had to get used to it.

Then I met someone else. New, inspiring and gentle. Someone understood me differently and opened the other parts. I knew he was right because whenever I began to think of my ex, he appeared in my mind instead. Like "Begin Again" by Taylor Swift. I started to like her after truly getting what the song meant. He was dustier, quieter and almost invisible until he talked about his passion. We had that kind of conversation for so many nights. About our dreams, our mission to conquer to world, how badly we wanted to be evil and how hungrily we longed for being turned into angels. Then we laughed because that sounded so cheesy and we were supposed to be cold. We could never be cold! Everything was warm and steamy like a delicious breakfast.

But you know what. Love isn't the necessary thing all the time.

At some points, we will have that kind of friend who is not our boyfriend but neither is a friend. Sometimes it's all about the need. So difficult to put in our emotion if there isn't any. So hard to leave him. He knows something about us. It's undeniable and strong. I've been there. I like it. No commitment, no promises. Fights only last for a couple of minutes. Arguments become a mind game. You exchange something with each other. Then goodnight and you go to sleep satisfied.

Does it sound pathetic? Because it only is when you're not open-minded enough. No one and no experience in life is pathetic. Being afraid creates hesitation and long-term fears. Let it go. Let your mind roam and your lips pulled aside slightly. It means you're smiling. 

Are you smiling now? 

Do you have that kind of friend? For a similar passion, same taste in movies, or lust. All are fine. All represent who we are.

I've shared something weird today, haven't I? I bet you didn't think this was coming. I've changed. I used to pick up some of the personality from everyone I knew. Now, I discover myself day by day, more and more. Authentically, sincerely and carelessly. I'd never have realized how untrue I was to myself if I hadn't stepped back and seen the big picture. I feel alive. Reborn like a phoenix. My breath is the tension of the muscles stretching and shrinking for something fresh. Is this lifestyle healthier? Will it last for good? I hope not. Because it will go up and down, inside out to maintain the original balance. All I know is that I'm excited for tomorrow. Who cares? We're all going to sleep anyway.