BYE BYE SUNDAY.

The rain has stopped. A glimpse of sunshine appeared this noon letting people know it was Sunday. The last day of weekend has always been the most beautiful day for me. It's the day I'll wake up to without panicking and checking my phone for the time. Sunday's beauty remains unchanged in my heart due to the fact that's it's my one day off, the only time when I get a chance to sit calmly at a cafe for a croissant and cappuccino, or stay lazy in bed until lunch.

But today, I enjoyed Sunday differently. I woke up at 7.30 with no proper breakfast in the same outfit I was wearing yesterday. You know where I've been. The walk of shame strutting for a few meters until I got in a cab. Before that, couples of eyes couldn't stop staring at me. Was it the black outfit from head to toe of mine with their unavoidable volumn? Or was it because those people'd been through what I've been through to know the face of a guilty early riser? Beats me. All I knew for certain was that everyone wanted their decent breakfast warm and their usual coffee served right whether or not my outfit mattered. As for me, I couldn't wait to go home and make up to the loss of my beauty sleep.

The process tunred out to scatter until afternoon, which reminded me of the weird dream I had while struggling to fall asleep last night: Audrey Hepburn was on top of me with a knife sparkling in the dark, she stabbed me once, I grabbed her blade with the palm of my hand, she stabbed me twice, I opened my mouth and locked it shut. However painful the dream was, it left me with a strange feeling of victory as if I had conquered evil.

It has been a while since I last remember having a violent dream. It would be rarer to spend the whole Sunday talking about it. Maybe the rain of a typical March in this city is not the main reason for a character swing. The call of summer with its boldness must be. It's pushing the inner gloom of our personality to the edge once and for all so as for us to wake up in a new skin. Andrey Hepburn must have heard the calling and was there to help me shred last night.

If only I could wear the new skin quickly enough.

Before saying goodbye to the last minute of Sunday, like an uncharming, farmiliar, ironic joke of life, I don't know if I'm longing for the new me or missing my old self. In fact, I may have ruined a good beginning of a writing with a doubtful development of it, which convinces me it's time to go to sleep.

Sophie Calle 1981, The Hotel.

THE RED BOOK BY C. G. JUNG.

"The ugly truth is that life of all humans is a consist of continuous contrary matters: day and night, birth and death, happiness and sadness, the good and the evil.

We don't know if one side of the matter would win the other one, the good wins the evil, happiness wins sadness: life is a battlefield. It was so in the past, it still is nowadays. If not so, life wouldn't exist."

Above is one of my favorite parts in The Red Book by C. G. Jung. 'Favorite' as 'the easiest' to associate. People having gone through ups and downs in life must have a similar take on it as the way he did. Understanding the fact that life is an endless but not meaningless fight. It's easy like A B C. But Picasso once said something like this, something that isn't an overdressing to me: "It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child." Sometimes, something as plain as the alphabet could require a person all his or her life only to understand its obviousness.

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C. G. Jung's journal is beyond average perception. When I bought this book, my first thought was to simplify the information and apply his conclusions on the daily basis. It took me a few paragraphs to get lost immediately and forget all about the simplification. Everything was in and out, pages to pages. Until he mentioned a special memory with someone or started to speak as normally as the quote above did my brain go back to functioning. 

Chapter VI talked about Archétype in Dream Themes, which can be referred as a 'superior symbol'. In this chapter, C. G. Jung mentioned his friend, whose daughter gave him her dream journal consisting of deep understanding of birth and death of all kinds in Catholicism. Superior knowledge in rebirth and extinction that only a few professors know was projected in 9 out of 12 dreams she had. It left the father and the author speechless. 

Jung wondered: "What made the daughter feel so important to make her dream journal a gift for father on Christmas?"

"These dreams were telling a terrifying side of death. Perception as such must have been possessed by the old, those who look back. It can't be for a normal child who's supposed to look forward. Her life is like a worship to youth."

Jung sensed something unavoidably destructive was coming for her. He was right. Something fatal was coming. The daughter passed away after a year before coming of her teen age.

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My mother survived a heart attack when I was 13. She told me in 'the deciding moment', she found herself in front of Buddha smiling at her and said "You'll pass this door." Several years later, in her dying days, she also said she kept dreaming of Buddha smiling and nodding gently at her, that her time was coming. It was right. But I don't mean to be supersticious. With my mother's case, I assume that she was overthinking and religion played a big role in her life. The context of her dreams was far more different than the child's, yet led to the same thing. 

It left me with a conclusion: dreams are dreams, but dreams are not dreams.

The perception of 'A is A, but A is not A' is familiar among well-known scientists, artists and so on. However, I don't consider myself as such. My point is, The Red Book has elevated that kind of perception I had to another level with precious knowledge. It left me with a stronger willingness to see things with its variety, not to forget to come back at the beginning and connect all the dots.

If you're still a little trembled by the daughter's story, I can give you my dream journal to wash off your concern.

Friday 13^th January 2017

Our studio manager asked me if I wanted to earn more money and I said “I’m happy where I am right now” while knowing it was a lie. 

I was diagnosed with kidney failure but informed later by someone that the diagnosis was wrong. My elder sister was very unpleased and said doctors always made such terrible mistakes, the only thing they could do was explaining. (During the happening of this dream, a part of me assumed my elder sister was thinking “They couldn’t even say sorry.”) 

Friday 20^th January 2017

I found a pair of shoes I really liked with my colleague. After trying the shoes, they turned out to be open-toe, which is something I strongly dislike in real life. I insisted on changing the style but my colleague and the sales advisor kept making me wear the shoes. 

Sasha Obama appeared out of nowhere and I saw her teeth without the bracelets. I couldn’t help noticing the teeth. 

Sunday 22th January 2017

Everything was so tedious in this math class. No lights and almost no students. The clock struck time out and I headed home. On my way to the gate, I realized I forgot my coat and scarf. I came up to the fourth floor just to find out the math class was surprisingly full and all lights were on. Awkwardly, I stepped in. A teacher, who was attending as a student, handed me my scarf. I couldn’t help feeling embarrassed for leaving the class early though I genuinely believed it had ended. On the black board, I could see they were learning something not advanced that I could have caught up with if I had joined. Someone gave me a flower made of green bean sprouts. On the stairway to the third floor, I looked at the flower in my hand and threw it away. 

It was a lucky game with prizes. Someone asked if the participants with journalist cards would receive an advantage in playing and someone else said yes. They would have more turns and the prizes would be more valuable. A creature, half human half moose, juggled in front of me. I was in our house’s bathroom the whole time. A window was open. 

Tuesday 24^th January 2017

Emma Stone rose from the ocean and flew above everyone. She planned to escape with the two terrorist students from Harvard and impute their crime on me. I shouted to people but no one bought it. 

In another scene, Emma Stone asked someone if the roof above them had a sky-high ladder. She climbed up towards the clouds but a person was chasing her. This time, people knew she had something to do with the terrorist students. 

I asked my friend to hang out at my favorite place but she said no. I opened a huge jar of M&M, picked a handful of them into another jar and started to eat, non-stop. 

Saturday 27^th January 2017

I was sitting in the waiting room of a hospital. A young man in black approached me. He insisted on telling me a joke but I continuously felt disturbed. Fortunately, it was my turn to register. As I went to the registry booth, Aleida Diaz from Orange is the New Black read my scan and said I had severe heart valve regurgitation. Red, another character, overheard the result and seemed upset. Some people faked a smile to keep me positive. 

I went back to the waiting room again. The man in black was gone. This time, I found myself sitting with my secondary school best friend. We were having tea and matcha cookies. My colleagues came by. They weren’t pleased to see me at the hospital instead of at work. 

After thinking for a while, I rushed to the kitchen where Red worked and asked her if she knew a good cardiologist and where to get a good scan. She wrote down an address and gave me some highly important small white medicine. I put them in my shirt pocket carefully. 

People at home tried to steal my medicine. A younger sister approached me during my sleep. I woke up quickly and fought her hard. I broke her legs, arms and eventually her neck, which killed her immediately. A dog appeared and tried to do the same thing. I slit its throat. Then, a father showed up, acted like he wanted to help but turned out to be evil. Too terrified, I ran. Suddenly, I found myself jumping off a cliff with my medicine still in hand. Up there, the daughter, the dog and the father were watching me fall. I didn’t die but fell into a cave full of food and water. I decided to live there until running out of the medicine. Until then, I’d be ready to see the doctor that Red suggested and begin to treat my condition. 

Sunday 29^th January 2017

I dreamt that one of my eyes have worms. At first, it was a little white something. Then it turned into a wormy creature. I tried to push its way to the end of my eye and pulled it out. Two more worms appeared. All three of them were forming a straight line from the upper-left eyelid corner to the downer-right of my eye.

Still concerned? I'll tell you one last thing. When I told the daughter's story to my younger sister, she felt just like you. She told me most of her dreams were based on daily life basis: "Normal things, you know." I suppose she did so to assure me that there was nothing to worry about. Thus, let's take new knowledge as something pulling, highly attractive, but not as a big grayish mass that clouds our judgement.

TALKING ABOUT LOVE AND THE CASUAL THING

I can never forget any guy that stepped into my life. Whether he was a lover or a friend, all of them came and left me with trembling feelings. Having friends with the same gender doesn't give me this attraction. Once you know his name and his work, you start to be more and more curious about his life. What turned him into the person he is today? Why is he so patient when you're so insecure and annoying? You wonder.

My first boyfriend was the same age as mine. He always wore a sweater with a shirt in fall, sometimes suited up and never forgot to put on his black leather watch. When we met, I'd take off the watch and tell him to get it fixed because the strap had worn out. Times after times. He'd say: "Can you fix it for me?" And I'd say: "Sure. I'll press these tips with this folk until they stick again." I'd really do it and he'd watch while reminding me to eat something on the table. The funny thing is I always ate more than he did and he always ended up finishing the salad. Ugh, the salad!

He inspired me. He made me believe in myself and realize how easily happiness could be achieved. I needed to do nothing but be with him. Even if I wasn't, I knew I was awesome. Then we reached to the point where everything busted in the air with dust and flame. We were so opened that we didn't feel bad exploding in front of each other. Anger, disappointment, exhaust, even boredom. Chasing our dreams became prior. The last thing that marked the end was the silence. We never said a proper goodbye. In fact, I've never set things straight as a goodbye to anyone. All happened in silence.

The first week was fine. I buried my head into work. I made up more work to do and I went out with wrong people, those I'd never have a drink with. Being a stranger to myself only worsened the situation. After 2 weeks, there came an unendurable missing feeling, depression and flashbacks. Music. Movies. Projects. None of those was enough because it was never about measuring up to a specific point. It was over and I had to get used to it.

Then I met someone else. New, inspiring and gentle. Someone understood me differently and opened the other parts. I knew he was right because whenever I began to think of my ex, he appeared in my mind instead. Like "Begin Again" by Taylor Swift. I started to like her after truly getting what the song meant. He was dustier, quieter and almost invisible until he talked about his passion. We had that kind of conversation for so many nights. About our dreams, our mission to conquer to world, how badly we wanted to be evil and how hungrily we longed for being turned into angels. Then we laughed because that sounded so cheesy and we were supposed to be cold. We could never be cold! Everything was warm and steamy like a delicious breakfast.

But you know what. Love isn't the necessary thing all the time.

At some points, we will have that kind of friend who is not our boyfriend but neither is a friend. Sometimes it's all about the need. So difficult to put in our emotion if there isn't any. So hard to leave him. He knows something about us. It's undeniable and strong. I've been there. I like it. No commitment, no promises. Fights only last for a couple of minutes. Arguments become a mind game. You exchange something with each other. Then goodnight and you go to sleep satisfied.

Does it sound pathetic? Because it only is when you're not open-minded enough. No one and no experience in life is pathetic. Being afraid creates hesitation and long-term fears. Let it go. Let your mind roam and your lips pulled aside slightly. It means you're smiling. 

Are you smiling now? 

Do you have that kind of friend? For a similar passion, same taste in movies, or lust. All are fine. All represent who we are.

I've shared something weird today, haven't I? I bet you didn't think this was coming. I've changed. I used to pick up some of the personality from everyone I knew. Now, I discover myself day by day, more and more. Authentically, sincerely and carelessly. I'd never have realized how untrue I was to myself if I hadn't stepped back and seen the big picture. I feel alive. Reborn like a phoenix. My breath is the tension of the muscles stretching and shrinking for something fresh. Is this lifestyle healthier? Will it last for good? I hope not. Because it will go up and down, inside out to maintain the original balance. All I know is that I'm excited for tomorrow. Who cares? We're all going to sleep anyway.