NOT A NICE POST.

Nothing can make me believe in love again. Whenever it feels right, it takes away a part of me and never returns. What's the point of love if everything you ever believe shatters in the end? Many times I tell myself to respect the memories. But there are also that same amount of times when all I want is to kill the other person in violence and long pain. They took away parts of me that I can't never replace.

Those who succeed in finding love have a strong belief in good timing. I don't. Anytime is a good time. Any small reason is a good reason to leave if the person is not right. It's so difficult for me to find someone who is right. I truly feel like I belong to the 1% of the world who can only befriend with their alter ego. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm deeply disappointed in the effort that was put into my past relationships. An entire failure with an expensive cost of fixing.

Usually, I would just let it go. But sometimes, I have to punch someone in the face hard to death.

It's too risky, painful and horrifying to let someone new in, knowing he will sabotage my life again. I have seen movies in protecting and fighting for love. I've never seen one spent entirely about finding it. No one would want to write a script of finding the end of infinity. No one would be able to describe what it feels like to have to imagine that you're in love so it will soothe your day a bit at night.

I just want to say once and for all that I'm so very done with the coward concept of letting it be in a relationship. I want to be with someone whom I can express my love for him freely and undoubtedly. I guess this is the night when I don't want to be polite and nice, I want to say to those who walked in my life before and left: fuck you, sincerely. Because by the time your life is fucked again, I'll be thriving in my career and finally be with someone who loves me and who I love so very much. Your secret expectation in finding a person to love you is pathetic and sick. In the end, you'll only have yourself and that tiny ego hanging between your legs that gets tinier and tinier thanks to your generosity in life.

So yeah, fuck you. I'm free.

MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE.

While walking by the corner of Tadioto and Moto-san Uber, I recalled some feelings a year ago when the people and things I thought would last long turned out to end soon. I was devastated. There were several nights spent meaninglessly and a whole lot of me decayed indescribably. But after many illogical posts and much time of cleaning, I realised it was about time for me to climb off the old mountain and drive ahead to the next ones. Because you know what? Sometimes, not having what we want is a blessing.

On my way of traveling the valley to the next mountains, there is this feeling that I'm sure every one has been through, the feeling of not belonging to here and now. This state of mind only rises up when I receive too much of pressure, so it's once or twice in a while, a while as in two or three months. Instead of fighting and denying, the only way I can let it go is to accept the existence of it, which is the fact that a person can be exceptionally weak at times. Whenever I start to sing the familiar song of 'I don't belong here', I sit down in solid silence and recall Midnight in Paris. How the main character living in 2010 had longed for a reborn in the 20s, and how a beautiful lady living in the Roaring 20s had desired a life back in the Renaissance. The lesson is, we tend to want 'that' while having 'this'. It seems to always be 'here' and 'there'. His 'there' is our 'here' and vice versa. For short, we stand at the top of our mountain and choose to only see the others' mountain tops. 

On this long go from one mountain to the next, I sometimes forget that my mind should be my best alley and chase after things that are way out of my reach. It's a tiring, challenging game of acceptance and suppression. Must it be denied or faced? Not every time the dime turned out as a win. [Insert lots of confusion here].. Then again, there are yesterday and today. So ok, the doubtful shadow can stay. But how it stays will be turned into a fun experience of balancing as on a bicycle.

I used to think certain people were born to belong to certain places. Now it's only a matter of perspective to me.