I can never forget any guy that stepped into my life. Whether he
was a lover or a friend, all of them came and left me with trembling feelings.
Having friends with the same gender doesn't give me this attraction. Once you
know his name and his work, you start to be more and more curious about his
life. What turned him into the person he is today? Why is he so patient when
you're so insecure and annoying? You wonder.
My first boyfriend was the same age as mine. He always wore a
sweater with a shirt in fall, sometimes suited up and never forgot to put on
his black leather watch. When we met, I'd take off the watch and tell him to
get it fixed because the strap had worn out. Times after times. He'd say:
"Can you fix it for me?" And I'd say: "Sure. I'll press these
tips with this folk until they stick again." I'd really do it and he'd
watch while reminding me to eat something on the table. The funny thing is I
always ate more than he did and he always ended up finishing the salad. Ugh,
the salad!
He inspired me. He made me believe in myself and realize how
easily happiness could be achieved. I needed to do nothing but be with him.
Even if I wasn't, I knew I was awesome. Then we reached to the point where
everything busted in the air with dust and flame. We were so opened that we
didn't feel bad exploding in front of each other. Anger, disappointment,
exhaust, even boredom. Chasing our dreams became prior. The last thing that
marked the end was the silence. We never said a proper goodbye. In fact, I've
never set things straight as a goodbye to anyone. All happened in silence.
The first week was fine. I buried my head into work. I made up
more work to do and I went out with wrong people, those I'd never have a drink
with. Being a stranger to myself only worsened the situation. After 2 weeks,
there came an unendurable missing feeling, depression and flashbacks.
Music. Movies. Projects. None of those was enough because it was never about
measuring up to a specific point. It was over and I had to get used to it.
Then I met someone else. New, inspiring and gentle. Someone
understood me differently and opened the other parts. I knew he was right
because whenever I began to think of my ex, he appeared in my mind instead.
Like "Begin Again" by Taylor Swift. I started to like her after truly
getting what the song meant. He was dustier, quieter and almost invisible until
he talked about his passion. We had that kind of conversation for so many
nights. About our dreams, our mission to conquer to world, how badly we wanted
to be evil and how hungrily we longed for being turned into angels. Then we
laughed because that sounded so cheesy and we were supposed to be cold. We
could never be cold! Everything was warm and steamy like a delicious breakfast.
But you know what. Love isn't the necessary thing all the time.
At some points, we will have that kind of friend who is not our
boyfriend but neither is a friend. Sometimes it's all about the need. So
difficult to put in our emotion if there isn't any. So hard to leave him. He
knows something about us. It's undeniable and strong. I've been there. I like
it. No commitment, no promises. Fights only last for a couple of minutes.
Arguments become a mind game. You exchange something with each other. Then
goodnight and you go to sleep satisfied.
Does it sound pathetic? Because it only is when you're not
open-minded enough. No one and no experience in life is pathetic. Being afraid
creates hesitation and long-term fears. Let it go. Let your mind roam and your
lips pulled aside slightly. It means you're smiling.
Are you smiling now?
Do you have that kind of friend? For a similar passion, same taste in movies, or lust. All are fine. All represent who we are.
I've shared something weird today, haven't I? I bet you didn't
think this was coming. I've changed. I used to pick up some of the personality
from everyone I knew. Now, I discover myself day by day, more and more.
Authentically, sincerely and carelessly. I'd never have realized how untrue I was to
myself if I hadn't stepped back and seen the big picture. I feel alive. Reborn like a phoenix. My breath is the tension of
the muscles stretching and shrinking for something fresh. Is this lifestyle
healthier? Will it last for good? I hope not. Because it will go up and down,
inside out to maintain the original balance. All I know is that I'm excited for
tomorrow. Who cares? We're all going to sleep anyway.
