CLEAN.

I'd been so uptight for the last several days. It's been difficult for me to write about anything. I lost control of myself in a way that turned me into an uncertain and vulnerable person, which is not the kind of representation I'd like to be. I was lost of words. I started to say the wrong things, repeated them times to times, and it made me foolish not only verbally.

I thought I knew what I wanted. As my world broadened and my senses came to life more vividly through new conversations and the old ones, I realized "I want something else." Basically, it's exactly what it is. But different.

Sometimes, I wonder if I could pack things up and take a flight without any clues or plans. Just go and leave everything behind. Be whoever I want to be, start my life over again.

Today, I woke up clean. I thought I was drowning that Saturday night. This morning, I breathed again. I could feel I was gaining myself back. Thirty days of a month, twenty nine days being good, only one day being shit. It's difficult to go through and realize how naturally, forgivably stupid I was on that day. And it's completely understandable.

I guess that's how things should be.

THE TWO OH FOUR POST.

2:04 a.m

I can't stop thinking. I'm always thinking of something or many things at the same time. By the time I can express one of the thoughts, I'm already behind the flow of it.
Sometimes it's good. Sometimes thinking too hard is noxious. It's a blessing. What a damn thing.

A few times I found myself walking alone around 2, 3 a.m not knowing exactly what I was doing. I was only thinking. I wonder how other people do it. How do they walk? What's their speed? How fast is their thinking pace?

My eyes really want to rest. I've tried to shut them since 11 p.m and look at what I'm doing now. Eyes wide open with a toxic phone screen on. I keep thinking about things. My work, my future, how I want to do it, how good I want myself to be at doing it. Then I get lost in my thoughts with my past, my beloved dog, the old habits of mine, the worries I used to have, the questions I used to ask but now I've found the answers to. They always give me more concern. They also deliver peace.

For our mind is our best ally.

2.14 a.m

SOMETHING ABOUT US.

It might not be the right time.
I might not be the right one.
But there's something about us I want to say.
Cos there's something between us anyway.

I might not be the right one.
It might not be the right time.
But there's something about us I've got to do.
Some kind of secret I will share with you.

Can you and I be friends? Can you and I ever talk again? That possibility would hurt my memories, my present self, and the one I care about. It's never been finished the right way, has it? It's not even a question that needs an answer to. I can sense I'm being missed sometimes. From whom, I don't know. I guess it's you.

You won't be able to recognize the same person you used to know. And I will find myself thinking of you sometimes while listening to some songs I'm not quite fond of.

You might not be the right one.
It might not be the right time.
But I will remember you
like how you remember me.

THE LAMEST POST YOU EVER READ.

I brought Hedi to my father's arms today. At least, they could be alone together. I wish my father could connect to me the way he did with the animals. First day of October and I've already felt the loneliness brought by the month of Libra. I was born on 29th of September, which made me close to Virgo. My moon sign is Sagittarius, which helped enhance my sentiment to its best, or worst. My love sign is Scorpion. Fun, triple the trouble. Do I believe in horoscope? I like to believe in things that don't cost me anything.

But,

I've set up myself to always be grateful and positive. My motto is: when life hits hard, hit it back harder. My other motto is: make more money. My secret in making money: have fun.

Those are the greatest lies you will hear from me. Those are also the truths.

I miss my bed so much. Why the hell did I go out? Refund my decision. Give me back my time. I could have finished Jupiter Ascending. I'm feeling myself being so lame. I feel like I'll wake up in the embarrassment of knowing other people have read how lame I was online. And there's a share button. And I'll have to force myself to go with the nonsense guilt till the end of Sunday. You know I don't blog for publicity. I do it for the pure purpose of writing. To just write.

I want to go home.

Ok if you follow my blog, I'm sorry that sometimes you have to read this shit. It's a mess. It doesn't even make sense. I mean everything has some meanings, sure. But this shit is not inspiring at all. It's.. a despair. A short sad story that took me my last three cigarettes to write down. And the plot is what? Jamie and her wrong decision of going out tonight. I bet it's as usual as brushing teeth too hard.

Is it usual?

The thing is, it's no use complaining the usual-ty. It's no use complaining at all. Actually, I think I just make some sense out of this mess: I'm complaining. Congratulations, this night is getting brighter than the black hole just happened a minute ago. And that light has gone out. Shit, my mood changes like the quickest thing I've ever seen, and what the hell is that thing?

What the hell is hell?

In moments like this, I can either be a philosopher or a donkey. Do philosophers make money by trying to make sense out of everything? I wouldn't get too deep in this, I'm already deeply dipped in my own shit. Word is the core of creating. It's the core of everything, learning, making money, speaking, listening,..

I'm in my Uber now. Shit, it's actually quite nice of a car. I thought it was the grey Mercedes but this one is not bad at all. Impressed.

Updated: he drove fast and turned suddenly, I'm a little car-sicked right now. Damn it, I look so good. I can marry myself and live happily ever after with servants being the cast of Game of Thrones.

THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

At the end of the day, I find myself to be the happiest, luckiest person on earth thanks to my dear friends. You guys have no idea how much you matter to me.

So much.

Tonight, after 12 and two non-alcohol drinks, I see myself one year older.

To people who came to my life as ex boyfriends, thank you. I don't mean it in hatred and I never will. I don't hold grudge as it makes me smaller than who I am. You guys let me study myself in the most truthful way possible. I now understand the situation clearly. Everything bad that ever happened, I choose to ignore it. I thank you all for setting me free.

To my parents, you know it's been a long struggle in both career and education. I hope you're proud of me. I've worked hard and I'm trying every day to work harder than the day before. It's a tough life. It's more bitter than I thought. But you were right, I need to grow up from within. I love you. Everything I do, you know you have a big part of it.

To my colleagues, oh my god I love you all. I'm proud and happy to be in WEteam. There's no amount of thank-you that is enough. Just, thank you, and buy me cake.

Isn't it strange that on the day supposingly to be mine, I want to spend thanks on as many people as I can? It's because I'm happy. I'm so happy I may give a bath to Hedi tomorrow. My dude suggested me to take a day off and have rice with seafood. What a man, he gets me. I'll go to work as usual, collect everything, and go home, treat myself like a princess.

Now, I'll sleep the early morning away.

THE INDUSTRIAL ANGLE.

There is an endless number of questions I have for myself that I thank God secretly for letting me unable to answer them.

Am I making sense?
Am I making money?
When will my life begin?
When will life be through with me?
Am I terrible or terrific?
Will my dreams come true?
Am I working to make them come true?

Recently, I find myself to read a lot of Business of Fashion. I mean, I've begun to see this matter from an industrial angle. I want to know what kind of service there is at Ralph Lauren (they pick up and drive their clients home in a BMW with their logo on it), what Saks Fifth Avenue is doing to keep their clients and attract more customers (they'll send a van of a new wardrobe for you anytime), is see-now-buy-now selling? It's like morning coffee for me. I also learn that professionalism doesn't exist in this country. In some way, maybe. But it's not the factor that generates money or maintains a customer's loyalty.

BUT, this 'but' is even better, I and the people around my age are living in an era and in a city where any small-scale business can win a much higher class of customers. You can see the clash of the titans, the rich living among the poor - a chaos for high-end brands but a pool of opportunities for local businesses. The rich that are so rich they shop at Valentino for a purse then visit a Vietnamese designer house for an order of at least five items. The poor that work so hard and hunger for new experiences they save money for a good piece of clothing and never forget to check in.

I love this city. It's so hard to please. The old Paris of Vietnam. Hanoi is where if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere across the country. It always has a taste and four seasons a year. Then again, I'm sure somewhere in Saigon, in a corner like mine, someone is writing the same thing about their city.

So let's work hard, be kind, and let the silence do the talking.

DEAR MARCUS.

Dear Marcus,

Thank you for the letter. I'm very glad that you like my work. Though I love the atmosphere of the city, I can't make it in a short amount of time. I want you to know that I'm always pleased to arrange a meeting via Skype or any social platforms that suits you.

Chanel is doing its next show at the Ritz. Have you heard? I wish to know what it's like to stay overnight at the hotel. Did you happen to take any pictures there? Could you send me some? I'm not sure what I'll do with them, but you know they'll make my day. Talking of taking pictures, I'm using my camera again for black and white photography. I miss it. It took me one shot to realize how good I used to be at this.

By the way, do you know I'm playing Homestead, The Good Dinosaur OST, while writing to you? I was experimenting an idea before watching the movie. I guess by now you know I've had a good day.

You asked me a question about this industry. I have the answer now. Marcus, I believe that no one in fashion succeeds alone. However, if they make it, at the end of the day, they'll always find themselves to be alone or surrounded by people while feeling lonely. Can you imagine yourself being successful and constantly traveling back and forth? It's your life already. But keep imagining. Tell me, isn't there a single day you sit at a restaurant looking good and feeling empty inside? That's what the industry is all about. It looks so good that it makes people nervous and scared of you. We focus so much on things that build our career, yet tear apart some of our closed relationships.

I hope I didn't get you down. You must know I enjoy the cost of this path because it's been my decision all along. I'm super curious about your next destination. Please don't hesitate to write to me. I happened to find a place that sold sealing wax, which will make this habit of ours so much more overdressed. Something we like to be every day.

Take care, my dear. I'll see you soon.

All the best,

Jamie

THE CONTEXT OF WHAT.

I don't understand. I don't think I understand the context of love. In fact, I'm sure I've never been in love.

A lot of my relationships were based on total affection. Someone liked the idea of one another's and suddenly we found each other bonded in a relationship. I've never said the three words to anyone. It's easy to speak when the love is real. It's dead mute when it doesn't exist.

However, I'm sure that there were days I loved them as there were also days I chose to love myself more. After a long time of expecting my ideal love to happen, I decided I was done with it. I shortened the time that should have been spent on getting to know the person, demanded straightaway what I wanted, and expressed severe reactions when they couldn't live up to my requests. What I was left with, is now.

Now, I doubt people. It seems difficult to trust the smallest gesture. I find interest in lust, flirting and conversations at night. Lust is lust. It's a one-time thing even if it hits twice. Flirting sounds so not delight, yet the core of the act is it. Conversation is the most important thing. It connects two minds. If I'm not careful, I'll find myself falling slowly.. fast. It'll be impossible to stay sane. That's when I seek for a dark corner and a familiar drink to murder the butterflies in my stomach and erase the feelings that I feel. I can't allow myself to be in love. That destructive thing brings joy to people's life so just one day, it takes away everything they've ever had. The getting-back-to-track life is torture.

I have feelings for someone that's supposed to be an one-time thing. And I also have a dear feeling towards someone I hope to befriend with. Clearly I put myself in troubles in a blink of an eye. I need to speak straight to the first person all at once so I can set myself free. And, I don't know, should I befriend with the second person or not? In my teenage years, boys were problems of hair pulling and unwanted back stickers. In my twenties, guys are butterflies in my stomach and virus to my brain.

Whatever happens, I should thank them for the inspirations to write. For the midnight snacks, warm Earl Grey, and arms when needed.

In my mind, my prince wears suits, or at least a white shirt, has a proper helmet, and reads more than I do. He must be a big fan of animals, and never hesitates to take up a new sport. He cooks and wakes up earlier than me. He likes Wes Anderson and watches Quentin Tarantino. But puts Breakfast at Tiffany's first because I've never watched it and I should. He listens to me and understands my ideas without speaking a word. I must feel truly myself when I'm with him. In short, my prince dresses properly and knows his priorities. I believe what I've stated sounds very funny. Truth to be told, I've always had that idea of him since I was nine or ten.

I saw a man in a suit and a pair of oxfords today driving a Ducati. Needless to say, I was sold. Maybe we'll bump into each other soon. Maybe not. For now, all I can do is staying single firmly and confidently because I'm the best when I'm with myself. I shall let the future be decided in the hands of God.

WORK HARD AND BE KIND.

Giờ này, ở một thế giới song song nào đó, tôi đang ngồi trong căn phòng nhỏ thuê ở Singapore, hút một điếu thuốc bên ban công và tay cầm một cốc trà.

Chẳng ai biết trước được tương lai có gì. Tất cả những điều ta sẽ có là những điều ta đang vô tình hay cố ý quyết định ngay bây giờ. Suy cho cùng tương lai là kết quả của những sự lựa chọn.

Tôi không còn khát khao thay đổi thế giới nữa. Nói ra thì buồn cười nhưng đúng là như thế. Càng trải nghiệm nhiều thì tôi càng nhận ra giá trị của câu nói: "Work hard and be kind." Làm việc thật chăm chỉ và đối xử tốt với mọi người. Tôi không nghĩ vì người khác có hành động hoặc lời nói không tốt với mình mà mình phải thay đổi thái độ để đáp trả lại họ. Ngược lại, hãy tin vào sự khoan dung vô điều kiện.

Tôi cảm thấy thật khó để chia sẻ công việc của mình với người khác. Có những ngày tôi đã cố gắng hết sức. Có những ngày tôi không làm gì cả. Nhưng nếu tôi thấy một người vẫn còn ngồi học trong thư viện đến nửa đêm, tôi sẽ ngồi như họ đến tận sáng, cho tới khi họ về thì thôi. Chắc chắn tôi sẽ học rất chăm chỉ, thậm chí là say mê, vì đó là điều tôi đã lựa chọn.

Chúng ta có thể thua thiếu một số người về một số mặt, nhưng sự chăm chỉ thì không thể gọi là thiếu được.

Sau nhiều lần nhìn thấy kết quả công việc, tôi nhận ra rằng lời khen là một thứ vô cùng nguy hiểm, và nhiều khi nó không có ý nghĩa gì cả trong sự phát triển cá nhân. Tôi nghĩ lời khen tốt nhất là lời khen vô hình, khi người khác đón nhận kết quả công việc của mình bằng hành động. Càng va vấp nhiều, tôi càng quý trọng những lời nhận xét chỉ ra những thiếu sót còn tồn tại, vì nó đi thẳng vào vấn đề và rèn luyện sự kiên nhẫn của người nghe. Còn khi tiếp nhận những lời khen, tôi không thật sự hiểu người đối diện đang muốn nói gì.

Tôi thấy hàng ngày mình phải lặp lại một số câu nói như sau:

Thời trang không phải là nghệ thuật. Nghệ thuật là gì và ai công nhận nó? Thay vì gọi nó là như vậy, ta gọi cụ thể bằng tên như hội họa, điêu khắc, sắp đặt được không? Điều đó còn tùy. Tôi vừa nghĩ rất nhiều vừa không nghĩ gì cả. Trong khi trình bày điều tôi đang nghĩ thì tôi đã nghĩ thêm ti tỉ thứ khác rồi.

Và còn rất nhiều câu nói khác nữa.

TATTOO.

Tattoo is not for the sake of beauty but an expression. It expresses the transformation of a person. Because the observation is fairly shared, the perception of the tattoo's meaning varies based on each observer. Someone says: "I know he can't afford much by looking at the tattoo on his shoulder." Some disagree: "Maybe he's just sad?"

When a person has gone through many phases in life, he or she will find a tattoo less expressive than it was stated to be. That person, instead of expressing, will likely stay significantly silent and invisible. Significant because there is an intangible depth shown on their skin, and a steady personal statement in their manners.

A good conversation, non-verbal understanding, comfortable silence, warmth, listening skill, sympathy, unconditional generosity, meaningful piece of work. Those are real tattoos.