LA LA LAND.

I love everything that happened in La La Land. I understand why it ended the way it did. When you have an ambition carried from the beginning of your early vision, you don't question anyone's choice to step aside from it for you to go on. You respect the decision. Because that's true love. Only the one that cares will argue with you about your dream and the way you want to achieve it. It's that same one person who will fight when you give up and be happy when your dream finally comes true. There's no such love that grounds two people to a less desired life. It's only love when it lifts people up.

This movie is different from other romances because it's the instilled version of all sophisticated love, executed with excellent cinematography and memorable music. La La Land is true because I see myself in Mia and I have been with a Sebastian to know how hard it is to maintain a relationship between two ambitious individuals. Though it's been years, I know at heart I've had a very true partnership.

The kind of relationship of Mia and Sebastian leaves no regret to me. Do I think they had a chance to make it together? Yes. But the success wouldn't have been so great. That's the biggest point. I'll never want a piece of a dream. I want all of it and no other ways around.

As I left the theater, I thought "That was a very healthy relationship, wasn't it?" Will a movie made of a been-there-done-that story win an Oscar or two? I don't see why not. It's not the best movie I've seen but it's the one that sells the most.

THE RED BOOK BY C. G. JUNG.

"The ugly truth is that life of all humans is a consist of continuous contrary matters: day and night, birth and death, happiness and sadness, the good and the evil.

We don't know if one side of the matter would win the other one, the good wins the evil, happiness wins sadness: life is a battlefield. It was so in the past, it still is nowadays. If not so, life wouldn't exist."

Above is one of my favorite parts in The Red Book by C. G. Jung. 'Favorite' as 'the easiest' to associate. People having gone through ups and downs in life must have a similar take on it as the way he did. Understanding the fact that life is an endless but not meaningless fight. It's easy like A B C. But Picasso once said something like this, something that isn't an overdressing to me: "It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child." Sometimes, something as plain as the alphabet could require a person all his or her life only to understand its obviousness.

---------

C. G. Jung's journal is beyond average perception. When I bought this book, my first thought was to simplify the information and apply his conclusions on the daily basis. It took me a few paragraphs to get lost immediately and forget all about the simplification. Everything was in and out, pages to pages. Until he mentioned a special memory with someone or started to speak as normally as the quote above did my brain go back to functioning. 

Chapter VI talked about Archétype in Dream Themes, which can be referred as a 'superior symbol'. In this chapter, C. G. Jung mentioned his friend, whose daughter gave him her dream journal consisting of deep understanding of birth and death of all kinds in Catholicism. Superior knowledge in rebirth and extinction that only a few professors know was projected in 9 out of 12 dreams she had. It left the father and the author speechless. 

Jung wondered: "What made the daughter feel so important to make her dream journal a gift for father on Christmas?"

"These dreams were telling a terrifying side of death. Perception as such must have been possessed by the old, those who look back. It can't be for a normal child who's supposed to look forward. Her life is like a worship to youth."

Jung sensed something unavoidably destructive was coming for her. He was right. Something fatal was coming. The daughter passed away after a year before coming of her teen age.

---------

My mother survived a heart attack when I was 13. She told me in 'the deciding moment', she found herself in front of Buddha smiling at her and said "You'll pass this door." Several years later, in her dying days, she also said she kept dreaming of Buddha smiling and nodding gently at her, that her time was coming. It was right. But I don't mean to be supersticious. With my mother's case, I assume that she was overthinking and religion played a big role in her life. The context of her dreams was far more different than the child's, yet led to the same thing. 

It left me with a conclusion: dreams are dreams, but dreams are not dreams.

The perception of 'A is A, but A is not A' is familiar among well-known scientists, artists and so on. However, I don't consider myself as such. My point is, The Red Book has elevated that kind of perception I had to another level with precious knowledge. It left me with a stronger willingness to see things with its variety, not to forget to come back at the beginning and connect all the dots.

If you're still a little trembled by the daughter's story, I can give you my dream journal to wash off your concern.

Friday 13^th January 2017

Our studio manager asked me if I wanted to earn more money and I said “I’m happy where I am right now” while knowing it was a lie. 

I was diagnosed with kidney failure but informed later by someone that the diagnosis was wrong. My elder sister was very unpleased and said doctors always made such terrible mistakes, the only thing they could do was explaining. (During the happening of this dream, a part of me assumed my elder sister was thinking “They couldn’t even say sorry.”) 

Friday 20^th January 2017

I found a pair of shoes I really liked with my colleague. After trying the shoes, they turned out to be open-toe, which is something I strongly dislike in real life. I insisted on changing the style but my colleague and the sales advisor kept making me wear the shoes. 

Sasha Obama appeared out of nowhere and I saw her teeth without the bracelets. I couldn’t help noticing the teeth. 

Sunday 22th January 2017

Everything was so tedious in this math class. No lights and almost no students. The clock struck time out and I headed home. On my way to the gate, I realized I forgot my coat and scarf. I came up to the fourth floor just to find out the math class was surprisingly full and all lights were on. Awkwardly, I stepped in. A teacher, who was attending as a student, handed me my scarf. I couldn’t help feeling embarrassed for leaving the class early though I genuinely believed it had ended. On the black board, I could see they were learning something not advanced that I could have caught up with if I had joined. Someone gave me a flower made of green bean sprouts. On the stairway to the third floor, I looked at the flower in my hand and threw it away. 

It was a lucky game with prizes. Someone asked if the participants with journalist cards would receive an advantage in playing and someone else said yes. They would have more turns and the prizes would be more valuable. A creature, half human half moose, juggled in front of me. I was in our house’s bathroom the whole time. A window was open. 

Tuesday 24^th January 2017

Emma Stone rose from the ocean and flew above everyone. She planned to escape with the two terrorist students from Harvard and impute their crime on me. I shouted to people but no one bought it. 

In another scene, Emma Stone asked someone if the roof above them had a sky-high ladder. She climbed up towards the clouds but a person was chasing her. This time, people knew she had something to do with the terrorist students. 

I asked my friend to hang out at my favorite place but she said no. I opened a huge jar of M&M, picked a handful of them into another jar and started to eat, non-stop. 

Saturday 27^th January 2017

I was sitting in the waiting room of a hospital. A young man in black approached me. He insisted on telling me a joke but I continuously felt disturbed. Fortunately, it was my turn to register. As I went to the registry booth, Aleida Diaz from Orange is the New Black read my scan and said I had severe heart valve regurgitation. Red, another character, overheard the result and seemed upset. Some people faked a smile to keep me positive. 

I went back to the waiting room again. The man in black was gone. This time, I found myself sitting with my secondary school best friend. We were having tea and matcha cookies. My colleagues came by. They weren’t pleased to see me at the hospital instead of at work. 

After thinking for a while, I rushed to the kitchen where Red worked and asked her if she knew a good cardiologist and where to get a good scan. She wrote down an address and gave me some highly important small white medicine. I put them in my shirt pocket carefully. 

People at home tried to steal my medicine. A younger sister approached me during my sleep. I woke up quickly and fought her hard. I broke her legs, arms and eventually her neck, which killed her immediately. A dog appeared and tried to do the same thing. I slit its throat. Then, a father showed up, acted like he wanted to help but turned out to be evil. Too terrified, I ran. Suddenly, I found myself jumping off a cliff with my medicine still in hand. Up there, the daughter, the dog and the father were watching me fall. I didn’t die but fell into a cave full of food and water. I decided to live there until running out of the medicine. Until then, I’d be ready to see the doctor that Red suggested and begin to treat my condition. 

Sunday 29^th January 2017

I dreamt that one of my eyes have worms. At first, it was a little white something. Then it turned into a wormy creature. I tried to push its way to the end of my eye and pulled it out. Two more worms appeared. All three of them were forming a straight line from the upper-left eyelid corner to the downer-right of my eye.

Still concerned? I'll tell you one last thing. When I told the daughter's story to my younger sister, she felt just like you. She told me most of her dreams were based on daily life basis: "Normal things, you know." I suppose she did so to assure me that there was nothing to worry about. Thus, let's take new knowledge as something pulling, highly attractive, but not as a big grayish mass that clouds our judgement.

NOT A NICE POST.

Nothing can make me believe in love again. Whenever it feels right, it takes away a part of me and never returns. What's the point of love if everything you ever believe shatters in the end? Many times I tell myself to respect the memories. But there are also that same amount of times when all I want is to kill the other person in violence and long pain. They took away parts of me that I can't never replace.

Those who succeed in finding love have a strong belief in good timing. I don't. Anytime is a good time. Any small reason is a good reason to leave if the person is not right. It's so difficult for me to find someone who is right. I truly feel like I belong to the 1% of the world who can only befriend with their alter ego. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm deeply disappointed in the effort that was put into my past relationships. An entire failure with an expensive cost of fixing.

Usually, I would just let it go. But sometimes, I have to punch someone in the face hard to death.

It's too risky, painful and horrifying to let someone new in, knowing he will sabotage my life again. I have seen movies in protecting and fighting for love. I've never seen one spent entirely about finding it. No one would want to write a script of finding the end of infinity. No one would be able to describe what it feels like to have to imagine that you're in love so it will soothe your day a bit at night.

I just want to say once and for all that I'm so very done with the coward concept of letting it be in a relationship. I want to be with someone whom I can express my love for him freely and undoubtedly. I guess this is the night when I don't want to be polite and nice, I want to say to those who walked in my life before and left: fuck you, sincerely. Because by the time your life is fucked again, I'll be thriving in my career and finally be with someone who loves me and who I love so very much. Your secret expectation in finding a person to love you is pathetic and sick. In the end, you'll only have yourself and that tiny ego hanging between your legs that gets tinier and tinier thanks to your generosity in life.

So yeah, fuck you. I'm free.

MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE.

While walking by the corner of Tadioto and Moto-san Uber, I recalled some feelings a year ago when the people and things I thought would last long turned out to end soon. I was devastated. There were several nights spent meaninglessly and a whole lot of me decayed indescribably. But after many illogical posts and much time of cleaning, I realised it was about time for me to climb off the old mountain and drive ahead to the next ones. Because you know what? Sometimes, not having what we want is a blessing.

On my way of traveling the valley to the next mountains, there is this feeling that I'm sure every one has been through, the feeling of not belonging to here and now. This state of mind only rises up when I receive too much of pressure, so it's once or twice in a while, a while as in two or three months. Instead of fighting and denying, the only way I can let it go is to accept the existence of it, which is the fact that a person can be exceptionally weak at times. Whenever I start to sing the familiar song of 'I don't belong here', I sit down in solid silence and recall Midnight in Paris. How the main character living in 2010 had longed for a reborn in the 20s, and how a beautiful lady living in the Roaring 20s had desired a life back in the Renaissance. The lesson is, we tend to want 'that' while having 'this'. It seems to always be 'here' and 'there'. His 'there' is our 'here' and vice versa. For short, we stand at the top of our mountain and choose to only see the others' mountain tops. 

On this long go from one mountain to the next, I sometimes forget that my mind should be my best alley and chase after things that are way out of my reach. It's a tiring, challenging game of acceptance and suppression. Must it be denied or faced? Not every time the dime turned out as a win. [Insert lots of confusion here].. Then again, there are yesterday and today. So ok, the doubtful shadow can stay. But how it stays will be turned into a fun experience of balancing as on a bicycle.

I used to think certain people were born to belong to certain places. Now it's only a matter of perspective to me.

MANY GOOD THINGS.

Superstitious beliefs, bad smells, uncontrollable sugar feeding, numb senses, impatience, confusion. That's what I got from overthinking without letting any of it out. These days, I've learned how much stress could affect my body. Some parts of my muscles ached each at a time. It took me around five minutes to slow down my heart beat, and five more to breathe normally again. I grinded. My teeth made love to each other in a hardcore way.

The reason I've been thinking hard recently is the same as in many posts before. I'm worried for my future. I was never born a person of peace, nor was I raised to be. Some people work hard all their life so one day they come to wish for the opposite of what they were chasing, I know. But my fight isn't so. I fight for the future that I want to create. I fight because I'm young, and it's crucial for a young adult to thrive for something higher so he or she will make a progress. In this fight, I struggle and sacrifice to get myself up. Every stumble hurts. Every lesson learned feels good.

Some people truly only want, what I call, a farmer's life. To grow what they need and to live with what they earn. I wonder how they think. I guess there are points in our life where our thinking actually matches. And there are also many points where we would explode towards each other's difference. I have wanted to give it all up. A suitcase was carefully packed once in my bedroom. But I'd never made the decision to leave.

It's easier to avoid, and I'm the alpha type, I face stuffs.

It's silly, isn't it? It will take this fight and many more until I finally realize my ambition is just one of all the things out there. Life is simple. Not many things we love matter in the end. People will remember us for the smallest things we ever did. Our children will be our legacy. Our work will make a history if it's truly good. And we, we will die. In pain, glory, silence and vain. In happiness and among the tears of those who love us. If someone asks me what I can't live without, I'll say love.

I hope when I read this again someday,  I will be able to make sense out of these words. Even answer all of my wonder written here. Right now, I'm thinking of how young I was a year ago. Time, it waits for no one. Tomorrow I can wake up being 25 and the next day I'll be 30. It's so fast. And I have many good things to offer for this life.

CLEAN.

I'd been so uptight for the last several days. It's been difficult for me to write about anything. I lost control of myself in a way that turned me into an uncertain and vulnerable person, which is not the kind of representation I'd like to be. I was lost of words. I started to say the wrong things, repeated them times to times, and it made me foolish not only verbally.

I thought I knew what I wanted. As my world broadened and my senses came to life more vividly through new conversations and the old ones, I realized "I want something else." Basically, it's exactly what it is. But different.

Sometimes, I wonder if I could pack things up and take a flight without any clues or plans. Just go and leave everything behind. Be whoever I want to be, start my life over again.

Today, I woke up clean. I thought I was drowning that Saturday night. This morning, I breathed again. I could feel I was gaining myself back. Thirty days of a month, twenty nine days being good, only one day being shit. It's difficult to go through and realize how naturally, forgivably stupid I was on that day. And it's completely understandable.

I guess that's how things should be.

THE TWO OH FOUR POST.

2:04 a.m

I can't stop thinking. I'm always thinking of something or many things at the same time. By the time I can express one of the thoughts, I'm already behind the flow of it.
Sometimes it's good. Sometimes thinking too hard is noxious. It's a blessing. What a damn thing.

A few times I found myself walking alone around 2, 3 a.m not knowing exactly what I was doing. I was only thinking. I wonder how other people do it. How do they walk? What's their speed? How fast is their thinking pace?

My eyes really want to rest. I've tried to shut them since 11 p.m and look at what I'm doing now. Eyes wide open with a toxic phone screen on. I keep thinking about things. My work, my future, how I want to do it, how good I want myself to be at doing it. Then I get lost in my thoughts with my past, my beloved dog, the old habits of mine, the worries I used to have, the questions I used to ask but now I've found the answers to. They always give me more concern. They also deliver peace.

For our mind is our best ally.

2.14 a.m

SOMETHING ABOUT US.

It might not be the right time.
I might not be the right one.
But there's something about us I want to say.
Cos there's something between us anyway.

I might not be the right one.
It might not be the right time.
But there's something about us I've got to do.
Some kind of secret I will share with you.

Can you and I be friends? Can you and I ever talk again? That possibility would hurt my memories, my present self, and the one I care about. It's never been finished the right way, has it? It's not even a question that needs an answer to. I can sense I'm being missed sometimes. From whom, I don't know. I guess it's you.

You won't be able to recognize the same person you used to know. And I will find myself thinking of you sometimes while listening to some songs I'm not quite fond of.

You might not be the right one.
It might not be the right time.
But I will remember you
like how you remember me.

THE LAMEST POST YOU EVER READ.

I brought Hedi to my father's arms today. At least, they could be alone together. I wish my father could connect to me the way he did with the animals. First day of October and I've already felt the loneliness brought by the month of Libra. I was born on 29th of September, which made me close to Virgo. My moon sign is Sagittarius, which helped enhance my sentiment to its best, or worst. My love sign is Scorpion. Fun, triple the trouble. Do I believe in horoscope? I like to believe in things that don't cost me anything.

But,

I've set up myself to always be grateful and positive. My motto is: when life hits hard, hit it back harder. My other motto is: make more money. My secret in making money: have fun.

Those are the greatest lies you will hear from me. Those are also the truths.

I miss my bed so much. Why the hell did I go out? Refund my decision. Give me back my time. I could have finished Jupiter Ascending. I'm feeling myself being so lame. I feel like I'll wake up in the embarrassment of knowing other people have read how lame I was online. And there's a share button. And I'll have to force myself to go with the nonsense guilt till the end of Sunday. You know I don't blog for publicity. I do it for the pure purpose of writing. To just write.

I want to go home.

Ok if you follow my blog, I'm sorry that sometimes you have to read this shit. It's a mess. It doesn't even make sense. I mean everything has some meanings, sure. But this shit is not inspiring at all. It's.. a despair. A short sad story that took me my last three cigarettes to write down. And the plot is what? Jamie and her wrong decision of going out tonight. I bet it's as usual as brushing teeth too hard.

Is it usual?

The thing is, it's no use complaining the usual-ty. It's no use complaining at all. Actually, I think I just make some sense out of this mess: I'm complaining. Congratulations, this night is getting brighter than the black hole just happened a minute ago. And that light has gone out. Shit, my mood changes like the quickest thing I've ever seen, and what the hell is that thing?

What the hell is hell?

In moments like this, I can either be a philosopher or a donkey. Do philosophers make money by trying to make sense out of everything? I wouldn't get too deep in this, I'm already deeply dipped in my own shit. Word is the core of creating. It's the core of everything, learning, making money, speaking, listening,..

I'm in my Uber now. Shit, it's actually quite nice of a car. I thought it was the grey Mercedes but this one is not bad at all. Impressed.

Updated: he drove fast and turned suddenly, I'm a little car-sicked right now. Damn it, I look so good. I can marry myself and live happily ever after with servants being the cast of Game of Thrones.

THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

At the end of the day, I find myself to be the happiest, luckiest person on earth thanks to my dear friends. You guys have no idea how much you matter to me.

So much.

Tonight, after 12 and two non-alcohol drinks, I see myself one year older.

To people who came to my life as ex boyfriends, thank you. I don't mean it in hatred and I never will. I don't hold grudge as it makes me smaller than who I am. You guys let me study myself in the most truthful way possible. I now understand the situation clearly. Everything bad that ever happened, I choose to ignore it. I thank you all for setting me free.

To my parents, you know it's been a long struggle in both career and education. I hope you're proud of me. I've worked hard and I'm trying every day to work harder than the day before. It's a tough life. It's more bitter than I thought. But you were right, I need to grow up from within. I love you. Everything I do, you know you have a big part of it.

To my colleagues, oh my god I love you all. I'm proud and happy to be in WEteam. There's no amount of thank-you that is enough. Just, thank you, and buy me cake.

Isn't it strange that on the day supposingly to be mine, I want to spend thanks on as many people as I can? It's because I'm happy. I'm so happy I may give a bath to Hedi tomorrow. My dude suggested me to take a day off and have rice with seafood. What a man, he gets me. I'll go to work as usual, collect everything, and go home, treat myself like a princess.

Now, I'll sleep the early morning away.